but apparently I prefer silver.

So much to say, so little guts to say it all.  (Not much like me at all...  but I do normally feel the need to protect my own, so my gut is torn between respect and honesty and the emotions that fly inbetween.)

Frankly its been a month of serious ups and downs... have had some great times and a few really shitty low times.  But, hell...  so is life.  Im not here to bitch or complain (at least not today, wink), and I am surely not here to claim I have some answers. 

It is really is true..., the older one gets the less one knows. 

In fact, I do not have any answers...  but I have many questions, most of them that only time will answer. 




I do know a few things, they are not answers, but realities.

I love both my children more than anything in the world, they are amazing people and they both have brought me immeasurable pride and joy. 

Independence is a scary for a short time, but dependence is scary for a lifetime.

No one controls your destiny but yourself.  

No one but yourself is responsible for your love, successes and happiness.

No one but yourself controls your hatred, your anger or failures.




Just as I know, I do not make my choices lightly, I also know you may never understand the choices I have made. 

You may choose to think they were to punish you, or because I didnt care, but the fact is, if I didnt care, I wouldnt have bothered putting either of us through any of this. 





Some baby birds spread their wings and fly away from the nest without looking back, some hesitate, stay around with open mouths until the mother bird pushes them out.  She doesnt love one more than the other, she just does as nature intends.  She does what she can to prepare them, and then when she knows they are ready she prompts them to fly.  Pushing them to fall or fly on their own, knowing that eventually the one that does not fly at the beginning will have faith in himself eventually.  She will watch as they both soar away on their own.  She will mourn the loss and celebrate the victory. 

Chris sent me this vid... and I found it oddly compelling...

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x4gsjr_what-would-happen-if-you-supersized_fun

A month ago today I quit smoking... cold turkey.

I had always enjoyed smoking, and funny enough I have smoking friends that do not seem to enjoy the habit.  The go on about how they feel controlled by it, by how they want to quit but cant, etc etc... and the one that surprised me the most, was when some of them would say they didnt even enjoy it.

I enjoyed smoking, the whole time I smoked, from the first one in the morning, to the last one before drifting off... I never once wanted to quit, nor even entertained the idea.  I had "favourites" too... like the ones with morning coffee, or the ones I had when I got pissy and needed to "smoke it off"  and of course, the after the meal ones.... mmmm tasty. 

I always said "as long as I enjoy it, I will continue to smoke."

Well a while back I found myself not enjoying it... so I made the decision to quit.  But being full of pride, and not wanting to fail... I declared my quiting was to be for one month and one month only.  Knowing full well even if it drove me nuts, I could do the month, and not be one of those quiters that cant give it up.

So... on July 15th I stopped, and now its been a month, no cheating, no sneaking, nothing. 

I do miss my after dinner smoke the most... and my coffee/surfing ones as well... but after a month... and me having full rights to go back if I so choose.... it just seems silly to.

Im not saying I will never smoke again, and Im not saying I have quit full time and forever, truly ever and ever. 

BUT, for now, Im a nonsmoker and enjoying this new road, less travelled (at least for me). 

This past week I was spoilt rotten... and the week of indulgences ended with the grand finale of being whisked away to the theatre... to rub elbows with the rich and well to do.  Wink.... okay, maybe not... giggle.

We went to see Avenue Q at the Elgin & Winter Garden Theatre Centre
in Toronto.  The premise of this musical/puppet/comedy is basically a performance of Sesame Street on Acid... aka Kinked out Muppets. Its a story of 20 to 30 year olds, dealing with starting out on their own, and dealing with being politically correct, or not so much, their sexuality, their careers, or lack there of, in a urban lower class neighbourhood. 

 It was cute, funny, entertaining and a nice break from everyday life. 

We both did find it funny that Theatre goers can be snooty even when going to watch "naughty" puppets... this show is not for everyone.  You actually may need a sense of humour to enjoy it.

I did over hear these two very stuffy comments... "That was a bit more vulgar than I expected" and "Well at least the chairs are comfortable which is more than I can say for the performance"... all I can say is, its hardly vulgar, at least not on my scale, but there are a few "touchy" subjects, and the occasional curse word. 

Here, enjoy the intro on me... smiles.

I havent been very social over the last month or so because simply I would rather be upbeat instead of depressing. I usually put some effort into working around any angst in my life and presenting the more entertaining side of myself I prefer people to experience.

But right now, (mainly due to many questions about my lack of interaction lately or my faltering mood... ) I'm taking five minutes to explain and to indulge in some self pity... and then I promise to move on and not be so damn self-centred.

Basically I am overwhelmed/fed up due to feeling under the weather. I can usually maintain a bits of positive interactions with others but right now, between the exhaustion, nausea, and the room spinning incapacitating vertigo mixed with migraines and the fear of vomiting often, is starting to take its toll and has severely cut into my work, rest, and play time.

It is starting to affect my mood/mind/mental state and I feel so cranky that even being allowed to be a totally cheeky brat is not relieving the stress. (Although it can lighten the mood momentarily)

Yes, I grok its nothing compared to the chronic pain some people suffer daily, so I should just suck it up and get over it.

Not looking for advice, nor pity, just wanted to explain (in one shot) to those that are feeling neglected or slighted.

Anyhow, thats my five minutes, moving on... SUCKING it up.

Cheers.

Having said that, I had a brilliant week with my best friend... going to the land, the shopping, the eating, the picnic, dinner dates, and going to the theatre and a club .... not to mention being totally spoilt the whole time.

Well dear old friend, it is sad to say goodbye... I have admired you from the class clown days right up to your last brain droppings...

I think at a time like this there are really only 7 words to say.

Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker and Tits

Rest in peace, George, your thoughts, and your humour will be missed by many.

Im pissed.

Its that plain and its that simple. 

And for my readers, Im letting you know up front.... one, I am mounting the soap box, and two, right now, I do not claim to know all the facts, but that is not terminating my seething anger.

Eight years ago, a terrible thing happened in my serene and beautiful little county.  Many people who have never heard of any of my surrounding towns are still familiar with at least one of them, Walkerton.  

Oh, how many times I have heard the jokes, "Oh, heading to Walkerton, don't drink the water!"  

Yes I guess enough time has passed for many to make that joke, especially for people that were not touched by the horrors that happened to many of the people of that town.  The gross incompetence by many people and systems, peppered liberally with malicious and horrible acts of deception cost 7 people their lives, and over 2300 to become ill.  That was the tip of a very damaging iceburg.  That case of E. coli, (which has become known as most serious case of water contamination in Canada) could have easily been prevented or at least severely minimized.  I am not going to get into the specifics, there are plenty of webpages that will discuss the death, tragedy and corruption that surrounded those fateful days.

The full results of this tragedy will never truly be known, but aside from grieving families, and loss of friends, there are still many that suffer serious health conditions and many of us have/had fears of the safety of our water supply.  Walkerton still suffers today, from a stigma that will take years and years to overcome, from deflated house prices, job losses, and host of other economic and trust issues and related social issues.  

There was one silver liner to the clouds that cover that picturistic town.  After two long years of inquiries and inquests... the government took interest, they promised the people that tragedies like this must never happen again, they came up with a plan, and a sound one at that.  At least it looked that way on paper.  Slowly people began to gain a trust in local water systems, a trust in their government to protect, and faith in a system that would safeguard them.

Well that trust was shot to hell this week.  

On Monday, a positive E. coli result in a water sample was collected from my local Elementary School which is fed by the Municipal water system, that serves my town, the neighbouring town, and some surrounding rural areas.  The school turned off the water supply and closed its doors on and in turn, my children's High School called my home alerting us of this E. coli result using their automatized dialling system.  Which is when, I and SOME other citizens of the town learnt of the water issue.  

At the time of the call, I went immediately online to find local news from the two closest radio stations and newspaper stations.  At that time I could not find out any information at all.  Eventually much that evening, through word of mouth, I found out that we had a "Boil Water Advisory" in place.   


Now, considering the elderly and the young are at much more serious risk than anyone else, and considering families with kids that are not in school yet, or the elderly whose children have long graduated, the would not have received this call.  I have to wonder, how in hell were they supposed to find out???  How many people need to be contaminated again before we as a society realise that word of mouth, or an auto-dialling program to only a small portion of citizens is enough???

I am pissed we live in a time, when the Government has enough money, time and manpower to go door to door to enumerate us to be sure they collect their tax dollars, but doesnt have a way to go door to door to alert us when we are drinking death disguised as healthy water. 

I am also pissed at the morally around this issue.  I truly believe that all the members of town council went home and didnt allow their families to drink the water, but didnt seem to care that the rest of the town was. 

I am feverishly pissed that now they say that the test was corrupt because the line they tested has a cartridge water treatment system on it.  In fact, and I quote, ""That could have been the source of a problem".... Could have??? COULD?  Ummm Sir, let me know when you know for sure, would ya???   

Brother can you spare me a dime! 

Call me a conspiratorialist , think me insane! Hell, colour me completely irrational, but after all the corruption, deceit and pure out and out negligence last time and the failure to alert the public anymore effectively this time makes me have absolutely NO FAITH in the local water system, nor the people who manage it.  

Regardless of what anyone says, be it a badly run system of checks and balances, ineffectual procedure  or government plan,  or total contamination, this reeks of incompetence.  And, I wont drink to that, at least not the water here! 

Someone pass me a whiskey, its time we all get pissed.

If someone we care for is ill, we try to comfort them to the best of our ability.  We purchase flowers, or meds, we visit and hug, we try to provide help.  A wicked cold is soothed with a hot bowl of homemade chicken soup, a nagging back ache is relieved with a loving massage, and sometimes just offering to sit by someone that is stuck in bed is enough to lift their spirits.  But there are so many other things that plague people that we have no way of alleviating.  Chronic illness, mental illness and incurable diseases are nothing more than a life sentence. What toll does it take?  How can one give comfort?  Not only for the patient, but the caregiver alike.  There is often a mix of fatiguing anger, guilt, disappointment and pain on the part of the patient, but often those feelings cross over to the caregiver who feels helpless in doing anything that seems to assist in any way.  Of course, there are things we can do, to encourage and nurture, but if none of those things truly help or we cant see a positive benefit, it becomes frustrating and belittling to both players.  Often, the patient, feeling like a burden will withdraw from the person trying to comfort them.  That withdrawal seems hurtful to the caregiver, but is truly nothing more than a coping mechanism for the patient.  No one wants to encumber another, at least no one that has lived their life with pride and effectiveness.  How can their be dignity in life or in death, when dignity is stripped away from someone because they are helpless to care for themselves or are dealing with chronic (physical or emotional) debilitating pain?

I am neurotic...

The other day, Im aimlessly stumbling through the net... and I hit this page... iamneurotic.com

When I got down a number of entries and saw it described a quirk someone I know has, I was unable to resist and I read him the passage immediately, including a bit of light mock"age".  He laughed in return, made some comment about how he is comfortable in his skin and quickly moved on... but I was mesmerized.  Anyone that knows me well, knows I have a keen interest in mental illness, all aspects of it from treatments to symptoms, from social stigmas to usual neuroses and extreme skills that are a result of them.  

Of course, the mocking came back to bite me in the ass pretty promptly.  I can not say I am surprised.
I usually consider myself fairly laid back and easy going, but truth is, I embrace my inner "freak", and like many others (regardless of mental diagnosis or issues), have minor neurosis.  What was so amusing was the fact that I could seriously relate to a number of the ones I read.  

So here are a few...

While my home is generally very undisorganized, certain items in the house need to be ordered in a specific way.   Examples... For my art supplies, my paints have to be stored in order of colour wheel, my beads have to also be sorted by colour families. In the kitchen, spices need to be kept in alphabetical order,  the plastic cooking utensils have to be keep in the drawer, and the stainless ones on the rack.  If someone puts the plastic ones on the metal rack I have to move it back into the drawer.  Kitchen or bathroom towels need to be folded in thirds before hanging on the rack and if there are more than one, the lengths need to match.  A dinning table chair must always be pushed in tight and squared otherwise the world as we know it will cease to exist.

Here are a few more of my "weird" ones... (Im sure there are more... )

I always eat corn on the cob one row at a time, which basically pops the kernels off the cob instead of biting through them.  The looks of a messy cob left over by ppl that bite into many rows and leave lots of corn behind is unsightly and a bit unnerving to me.

I mentally count other peoples alcoholic drinks.  It's a total compulsion which I have tried to stop it but I cant seem to and just knowing that I do it drives a few of my friends nuts.

I can not stand the feel of Popsicle sticks in my hand.  When eating a frozen treat, I take off the wrapper and cover the stick so I can handle it without getting totally wigged out.

I don't like other people touching my blanket.  I feel as if they are sucking all the aura of goodness/comfort/magic out of it.  

Yep, I am a freak...

Come on, you are too...

Leave a comment, be brave... and tell me the neurotic things you do.

How unusual... 

Lots of people I know have been fighting a killer sinus cold this late winter/early spring... almost everyone I know had it, and many had it more than once.  My kids alone each had it at least three times, yet somehow, I managed to avoid this "Sinus from Hell" Cold.  Not sure how, or why, but I was knocking wood, big time.

Anyhow, last night I went to the movies, Indiana Jones (not my pick, but not as bad as I thought it would be) and the whole time I was in the theatre I was freezing to death.  I didnt really think too much of it, but it was a bit distracting.  Anyhow, I went home last night, played online for a bit, and then fell asleep much quicker, much more soundly, and much longer than usual.  Of course, since I was so cold earlier, I was covered in my blanket and duvet.  In hindsight, probably overkill.

I woke, this morning, covered in sweat (yeah, I know, not the nicest look)... but didnt think much of it since I was cocooned up so tight.  Flash forward to tonight, Im chatting on the phone, but suddenly I am exhausted so I crawl into bed at 11 pm (makes my night owl blood boil). 

Im freezing again, so much that my teeth chattering, but I do fall asleep extremely quick, and an hour later I wake up with a start. I feel as if I am in the middle of a snow storm, nothing I do warms me up, and then I feel my forehead.  Its on fire.  I stumble down stairs and sure enough, I have a fever of 103 which actually seem to feel hotter because I was so damn cold.

WTF?  Other than being freezing, I feel fine.  Is there some weird flu going around? Or is this me taking a trip down the early menopause lane???

Anyhow, Im heading back to bed... 

If you know of some strange "fever without other symptoms flu" leave me a comment especially if you think Im going to die... and if this is early menopause, better get out of my way.  I dont think its going to be pretty, giggle. 

another one slams in your face.

I saw this ages ago... I cant find the original "author"... so I cant give proper credit, but this is something that has really stayed in the front of my mind.

Online communication is taking over, from emails to txt messages. I for one have been misunderstood, (as I assume most ppl have) because the recipient can not see your body language, or facial expression, nor hear your tone, or what words you are stressing.

It can lead to some serious confusing... case in point.
All 7 of these sentences have the exact same 7 words, yet by stressing a different word the meaning changes.  Its no wonder ppl have difficulties understanding what someone else it trying to convey.

1. I Didn’t Say You Stole My Money.
2. I Didn’t Say You Stole My Money.
3. I Didn’t Say You Stole My Money.
4. I Didn’t Say You Stole My Money.
5. I Didn’t Say You Stole My Money.
6. I Didn’t Say You Stole My Money.
7. I Didn’t Say You Stole My Money.

And not all of them are oral.

Warning, warning, Will Robinson! (Disclaimer, Before ANYONE reads into this... for the RECORD.... Im not having relationship issues!  This post is generic and based on a convo I had earlier today with a good friend.  Also, as you can see, its left me with more questions than answers, oh well, so is life.)  

The joy of perception is that it can only be owned by one person.  Of course, that is also the disadvantage of it as well.  How many times have two people been to the same event and upon reflection, their perceptions are not only different, but sometimes so vastly different one can wonder if there were both at the same event.  That of course is just one of those funny things we apply to "perception".  Perception is a complex conclusion based on not only physical evidence but also based on our moralities, mood, intelligence and a host of other related factors of our cognitive minds.  Since we decipher information based not only on what our senses can deliver, but also on our collective past memories and experiences, both positive and negative, there is no wonder that people rarely share similar perceptions.

Often little thought is given to that reality, until of course, the discussion becomes important because the perceived reality seems hurtful to one of the parties.

"We often hurt the ones we love" is an often uttered saying, but what does that really mean? 

People can be hurt for millions of reasons, from feeling slighted to outright abuse.  I don't believe the line "we often hurt the ones we love" has ever been an excuse for domestic violence or spousal abuse, not do I believe such a flippant saying was ever meant to cover such acts.   More than likely, it's often referred to the "little" things we do that inadvertently (key word: inadvertently)  hurts someone feelings.  

Lets be clear... There is no excuse for anyone that consciously goes out of their way to hurt anyone, be it loved ones or complete strangers.  Unconscious acts, on the other hand, often are a slowly ticking time bombs.  Sadly sometimes these act were in fact intended to be positive or helpful, but perhaps not well thought out.  (The road to hell... )  Other times they may be a lack of sensitivity, lack of understanding, apathy or a host of other human conditions that rule how we act, and what we say and do.

Regardless of the action, when hurt, the slighted or injured partner often has difficulty bringing it up, because each tiny event seems so insignificant they may appear as being oversensitive or insanely hard to please.  As well, often a tiny offence that is brought to light makes the partner that was responsible for it feel like they are being accused of something so inconsequential it really doesnt warrant discussion or even worse, may feel like they are being blamed for a malicious act of cruelty.  ALL because of perception.  

How can one deal with a perception when you truly can not share it as fact with someone you care about? 

The reality of perception, highlights a terrible but reoccurring pattern of hiding ones true feelings, due to fear of making the problem worse through discussion, the cycle emerges.  Therefore the hurtful words or behaviour continue (and often increase) and those that are hurt either take the blows or bottle up their feelings. Both reactions resulting in fuel for future issues or retaliation, either consciously or unconsciously.  Wow, what a horrible dynamic that plagues loving relationships.

How long can one turn the other cheek when someone subconsciously neglects or takes advantage or makes us feel poorly about ourselves without it causing emotional harm?

And perhaps more importantly, how do we stop the circle?

Fifty percent of marriage end in divorce.  People who at one time declared their undying love brought to a point in their relationship when they are dying to get away from each other.  We all want to believe that in most of those cases there was one huge problem that drove them apart, (a problem that we feel we could avoid) but its my opinion, that yes, while couples often fight about the major few topics (money, sex, ambition and kids) very few divorce for those reasons.  They divorce because collectively the damage done to each other has tipped the scales from feeling loved to feeling hurt, neglected, belittled, disrespected, or unappreciated.  Of course, this dynamic is not just saved for couples, but any relationship that enters into areas of trust and love, such as parents and children, extended family and close friends.  When we open the door to ourselves we open a potential of being hurt.  

Just what is the turning point, where we no longer turn the cheek?  

I'm not sure what triggers that turning point, but its easy to see what happens when we do.  We begin to react in our own ways, from extremes of walking away from a relationship, to accepting (usually with consequences) or returning those hurtful actions.  Of course, if the later is chosen, we often justify our hurtful actions with our feelings or our own sense of morality.   You neglected me so Ill neglect you more, you hurt me so I'll return that hurt, or you made me feel worthless and I'll make you regret that.  A vicious game of emotional ping pong, escalating slowly but surely over time, until our actions are no longer driven by love and respect, but instead driven by the need to protect our own egos or self-worth.  

Is there truly a way to avoid this sort of thing in a loving and equal relationship, or is one partner destined to take a subordinate position to the other for the sake of harmony?

Acceptance and understanding intentions can usually help, but too often the hurt still remains or this concept is bastardized by the offender, at least to some degree.  So I am not sure I will ever truly know the answer to this final question, but its worth pondering, imo anyway.  

To my Boys,

Sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago when you were placed in my arms.
Yet, some days it feels just like yesterday, with memories so vividly alive.
The overwhelming joy, and the unknown fears of a life so innocent and new.
Most of the time I am ecstatic, but sometimes I am scared to death.

A whole new world to discover, through a new set of eyes. 
With each bump and bruise I kissed, I wished life was not so cruel.
With every illness and sleepless night I worried, but  grateful things weren't worse. 
With every triumph, I celebrated, although sometimes silently.

I protected, I pushed, I prodded and yes, admittedly I screwed up.
Then one day I turned around, and you both had grown.
Magically, when I wasn't looking, you both turned into young men.
Men I am proud to know and men that I admire.

I love you both, not for what you will become or what you did yesterday. 
I love you not for the things you say, nor for all the things you neglect to say. 
I don't love you for your strengths, I don't hate you for your weaknesses. 
Nor do I hate any of the adversity we faced.

I love you for who you are.
In fact, I am amazed by who you are.
Your thoughts and ideas impress me and our differences challenge me.
Your humour, your talents and your very different identities.

I doubt you will ever know how you have profoundly touched me. 
For what I have learnt through your joys and sorrows.
And through you, I have learnt more about life than I could have by myself. 
I love you both and am thankful to be your mom.

One brief moment of time can last a lifetime when it means so much.

Today I am thankful a small gesture that would go unnoticed by most.  Just a few seconds of time when his rigid body relaxed and any bit of anxiety lifted from his body as genuine smile overtook his face.  I stood silently, wicking up every bit of the moment. 

The room brightened by the almost palatable sparks of excitement.  I was captured by the twinkle of his eyes and the background noise faded away as my ears tuned in to the verbal expression of appreciation.  From the depths of a soul that is tortured by social standards, his stoic face that rarely shows any joyful emotion relaxed as he embraced those mere seconds of elation.  It was more than enough to bring a tears to our eyes.

For those that understand,  nothing more is needed to say, but for those that don't, all I can say is that it truly is just so unexpected and so untypical that I was almost startled and certainly humbled by it.  

Its a good reminder for everyone, that on a very special day (perhaps when you least expect it) a thankless job can occasionally reap a reward that something like money could never replace.

Today I am truly rich, with a currency that few will ever appreciate, yet for me, not only does it fill me with joy, its value will only increase over time.

but it always makes me smile.

Apparently the student was hedging his bets by going with "C" the whole way down, but he failed to read ANY of the questions, which were all requesting either A (True) or B (False) answers.  Like any good internet stories, this one comes with a moral, apparently directly from the prof... "If all else fails, go with B from now on.  B is the new C."

"You may be a little confused over some new aspect of your situation, but if you keep looking, you'll eventually see that there's one tiny detail out of place that should explain it all."


I keep looking but so far that tiny detail is eluding me... but nothing stays a secret forever. 

I have been told that this place is a ghost town... which means, Im going to have to kick up the posting otherwise I might lose my 3 readers.

Wink.


So, I returned home from Toronto, yes, second weekend in a row, and Im feeling relaxed and rested, and ready to work.

So I worked for a few hours.... and uh... well that feeling left as quickly as it came. Giggle. Good thing, I was a bit worried, so unlike me.

Sadly I am going to have to spend the next few days getting some work completed so I can start enjoying spring. Currently Im thinking some camping, canoeing, bit of hiking, sketching, lots of deck hopping, and perhaps even some gardening will have to be in order shortly.


So... lets see... not much to talk about....

.... the snow has gone, my van seems to be working well, family and friends are doing well, the house isnt having any immediate disasters.... and we are in the process of getting rid of our other vehicle, (the pickup, since its old, ugly and you can no longer tell if its red, or rust.)  LOL.  We have a short term vehicle solution, a used car, that will tide us over until we decide to buy something new.  Im hoping for a truck, but the decision is not really mine to make. 

Because he never leaves videos up very long... LOL

If this link doesnt work, it means he has (like usual) already deleted it.